Post them here! The first one is a funny true story rather than a joke.
Just south of Sydney, there's a little hotel, four floors high. A nameless girl used to sunbathe on its roof every day. Since there were no higher hotels near it, she decided it wouldn't hurt to take off her bathing suit and be in the nude.
One afternoon, she was in the nude lying on her stomach when she heard someone coming up the steps. She quickly grabbed the towel and put it around her. The man was stern, "I wish you wouldn't sunbathe in the nude up here," he said.
"You never protested before," the woman replied meekly.
"No," the man responded. "We let the matter rest when you did it in your bathing suit but doing it completely nude has really pushed the boundaries."
"Why do you care? No one can see!" the embarrassed woman said.
"Madam, you happen to be lying on the skylight of a dining room."
If you are gay and find the following joke offensive, please reply and let us know.
A guy applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.
"It's quite simple Sir," said the club secretary, "We take off all our clothes and commune with nature."
"Cool," said the guy, "Count me in!" He paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off.
As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays".
A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing, "Beware of Gays."
He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque. It read, "Sorry, you've had two warnings!"
The man's screams were heard across the colony.
Two gays at the trough having a pee.
One looks across at the other admiring his beautiful member. He comments: " I see you are wearing those Nicotine patches. Do they work ?"
"Yes" replies the other. "I am down to 2 butts a day!"
laughing my ass off.....can you imagine sitting in the restaurant and just looking up... and thinking... well that's a lovely view...lol talk about dinner and a show...
um i think i was the man everyone heard screaming... the question i have is... who was the man behind me....????? i am never offended by a gay joke.. hell i have lots of them....lol
My best mate in Sydney is gay - he is the one that tells me the jokes! Gotta love him-he is one of the most down to earth, real people I know & hence dearly love.
Son comes to dad and asks "whats the difference between theoretically & realistically?"
"That's a hard one son, but follow me."
They go out to the mum, and the father asks "would you take your clothes off and sleep with the milkman for $1 million?"
"Sure" says the mum.
They go out to see the sister: "Would you go and take your clothes off and sleep with the postman for $2 million?"
"Sure" says the sister.
"Well there you go son" says the father. "Theoretically we are sitting on 3 million quid, but realistically, we are living with 2 sluts!"
Did you hear about the nudist who stayed up all night studying for his urine test?
lol she must have been some very beautiful lady for the young guy to cum .....lol
there were two older women visiting a nude beach for the very first time. While walking around surveying the scene, one of the ladies noticed there were a lot of hot men laying around... with erections. She tapped her friend on the shoulder and said, "look Ethel, when we were young we couldnt ever get any, now it seems to be popping up everywhere......."
in reply to rons last joke viagara must have been on special.
anyhoo i just remembered a quote that i saw on another nudist forum and i hope they dont mind me showing it here. it goes and i quote "you dont have to be crazy to be a nudist but you do have to show your nuts" boom boom
seeya micheal
An elderly man in country Australia had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, nicely fixed up with picnic tables, horseshoe pits and some apple and citrus trees. The pond was properly shaped and designed for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. He grabbed his hat and a large bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he got nearer to the pond, he was amazed to hear the sound of laughter and shouting. When he emerged from behind an apple tree, he saw five gorgeous teenage girls skinny-dipping in his pond. As soon as they saw him, they squealed in alarm and hid themselves in the deep end.
"We're not coming out until you leave!" one of them shouted.
"Nice beaver," chuckled the old man.
"Filthy perve!" shouted another of the girls.
"Yeah...don't think you're gonna see my tits ya dirty ol' man!" screamed a third, hastily covering up the magnificent pair the old man's eyes were glued to.
The old man frowned. "Lookee here, girls. I didn't come down here to watch five little cuties swimmin' nekkid as a jaybird in mah pond. I ain't gonna make you git out nekkid neither." Holding the bucket up he said: "I'm jus' here to feed mah croc. Don't mind me."
"CRR-OOOCCC!!!" The girls screamed in unison. All five shrieked with fright and scrambled out of the pool. "Here, lemme help ya out," said the old man, putting his arm around the prettiest girl.
Which goes to prove that old men who don't move so quickly can still think faster than young studs!
to answer michaels quote... i think perhaps there was a deffinate shortage of viagra that day.....
and to the naked administrations joke... at least there is still hope for me....lol
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?" "Not yet" she replied.
how true some women would think that....lol
one day a guy decided that he was in dire need of seeking psyciatric help..
He walked into the building, through the corridoors and into the receptionists office, wrapped completely in saran wrap..
the doctor took one look at him and said well its quite evident.. i can deffinately see you're nuts.
What's the only thing more unattractive than a baboon's bottom?
A naked Australian man.
Five Good Reasons NOT to be a penis
1. you are bald most of your life
2. you have a hole in your head
3. your neighbors are nuts
4. the guy behind you is an asshole
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST
5. Everytime you get excited you throw up and pass out....
and just a quick note.. i am losing my hair.. and could care less....lol
cheers everyone
ron
A young boy and his friend were hanging out in the woods behind the boys house one day, when his friend asked him what a penis was. Well not hearing the word before, the boy told his friend he didn't know.. The boys mother called him in for dinner so he left his friend in the woods and went in to eat his dinner.
After eating his dinner, the boy saw his father sitting on the sofa and he went to his dad and asked him what a penis was. The boys father quickly whipped his penis out and said..."see this, this is the perfect penis."
The boy then back into the woods where his friend was and whipped out his penis and said, "see this, this is a penis and if it were 4 inches longer it would be the perfect penis."
i am sure you have probably heard these before but i thought they would give some of you a good laugh..
cheers,
Okay you guys will really think i have a sick sense of humour..my boss told me this joke the other today.. it's not a nudity joke...but i thought it would bring a laugh..
"what's the difference between an oral themometer and a rectal themometer?"
the taste
seeya later
this really doesnt deal with nudity, but one of my co workers showed me this yesterday...
A father was feeding his son and daughter deer meat for the first time. Not wanting to let them know what it was he kept quiet about the meat. The son looked at his plate as did the daughter, and he then asked his father what it was. His father then replied, "it's what your mother calls me everyday" at which point the daugher shouts.. "DON'T EAT IT IT'S ASSHOLE."
Merry Christmas to you as well Naked Administration. I hope everyone on the staff and the models and the posters all have a safe and wonderful New Year and Holiday season..
love to all of you
Gman absolutely funny .. i needed a good laugh... perhaps i should try that at Wal Mart...
Okay i know you all will think we Americans are daft, but here's a joke i heard today....
A husband was trying to think of something special to do for his wife on Valentines Day. He didn't want to do the same boring things as everyone did and he thought long and hard.
After thinking for a long time, the man jumped into his car and raced to the nearest tattoo parlor. He ran inside and asked the tattoo artist to tattoo the phrase I LOVE YOU on his penis. Of course the artist thought it was odd, but he agreed to do it.
When the husband got home, he decided to give his wife her gift early, so while getting undressed he showed his wife her unusual gift. The wife looked at him and said,"there you go again James putting words into my mouth."
"How did the guy find out his wife had been using a vibrator while she was pregnant?"
Their son was born with a stutter.
A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go. "From now on when I say BELL 1 I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2 I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3 we are going to make love all night. " The next night he came home from work and yelled "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband? "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied " YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of You B*****ds who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you B*****ds who are getting on, get the f**k on, cause we're going down the tracks". The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't Use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want You to Use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed Playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us Today." As the mother began to smile, the child added.......... "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."
Way to go GMAN... can you hear me laughing my ass off clear from Indiana? Absolutely funny.... Thank you for sharing..
cheers
A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?
Things NOT to Say to a Naked Woman ...
A guy is just getting into the shower as his wife is getting out.
The doorbell rings.
The lady goes downstairs to answer the door while she is still wrapped in her towel.
When she opens her door their next door neighbour Bob is standing there.
Bob looks at her and says that he will give her 800 dollars if she drops the towel.
The lady thinks for a moment and drops the towel and Bob hands her the 800 dollars.
When she returns back upstairs her husband asks her who was at the door and she tells him Bob from next door.
He replies, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?"
A priest offered a nun a lift.
After getting into the car, the nun crossed her legs forcing her gown to show her leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, the priest stealthily moved his hand up her leg.
The nun said "father, remember psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand, but while changing gears, he let his hand move up her leg again.
The nun said once again, "father, remember psalm 129?"
The priest apologised, "sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church the priest rushed to look up psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
I do find the Gay Joke to be very offensive. Reading on some of the peoples replies sound very Primary school. It sounds like many of you are like a 7 year old who giggles when they see a Tit or penis. I do have to say, "Grow up"
Oliver,
I am sorry you feel offended by the gay jokes but i think it very rude in turn to tell us to grow up and we act like 7 year olds so to speak. I am gay have been forever, and always tell gay jokes and the the first thing most of my straight friends ask me before they tell a joke is, "do gay jokes offend you?" Hell no they don't. If i took everything offensive that people said about me being gay i would be a very miserable person. I have always been very open with my life knew i was gay before the word became a household word, told my parents when i was 15 at a time that was considered to be dangerous, but lived with the attitiude that if someone can't get along with me because i am gay, it's there issue. To be bothered by a gay joke is so trivial to me. Yes there are rights that we have to fight for, but are we going to worry over every little thing someone does or says? It's a joke and i don't see why someone should be offened, unless it was a joke that was directed toward a certain individual. Those aren't jokes then, they are cruel and mean and very disrespecful. I am not meaning to run you down.. but relax a little.
If Naked Australians finds any joke offensive i am sure they would remove it, but as you can see one gay joke was added by one of the administration, so i don't think it offends them, even though they did ask to be told.. so now what? We have to watch what jokes we tell? Is this going to be turned into a hate forum? There are so many other things in life to worry about than a joke. I am glad i didn't post all my gay jokes on the forum.. I would probably be considered a traitor and burned at the stake.
If Admin knew it would offend, why did they post it. Some peoples jokes are tasteless. Its not a joke if it offends someone and yes I am offended by it.
A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.
Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first ?" The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said. "That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next ?" The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley". That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish. How about you, Paddy ? The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out " London ". Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise. After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said ................. "-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".
g-g-g-g-g-g-g good joke
A little boy got on the bus; sat next to A man reading a book, and Noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he Wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.' The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't Wear his collar like that.' The priest looked up from his book and Answered, 'I am the Father of many.' The boy said, 'My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls And two grandchildren and he Doesn't wear his collar that way!' The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am The Father of hundreds', and Went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a While, then leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom and Put your pants on backwards Instead of your collar.'
One evening, a husband thinking he was being funny,
said to his wife, "perhaps we should wash your clothes
in slim fast . Maybe it will take a few inches off your butt."
His wife was not amused and decided she couldn't
let such a remark go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband pulled a pair of underwear
out of his drawer. "What the heck is this?" he said to himself as
a little dust clould appeared as he shook them out.
"Barbara," he hollered into the bathroom,
"why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She replied with a snicker. "It's not talcum powder,
it's miracle grow."
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.
The older gent suggested the younger one accompany him on his rounds so the community
could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor said, "well actully you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit.
Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger doctor informed the older one that he hadn't even examined the lady
and wondered how he came up with his diagnosis so quickly and the older doctor informed
him that he dropped his stethoscope on the floor and as he bent over to pick it up he noticed
a bunch of banana peels in the trash can and came to the conclusion that that was probably the thing making her sick.
Great the younger doctor stated. Perhaps i will try that at the next house.
At the next house they spent several minutes speaking to an elderly woman.
She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did.
"I'm feeling run down lately," she said.
"Youve probably been doing too much work for the church,"
the younger doctor told her.
"Perhaps you should cut back a bit
and see if that helps."
As they left the house the elder doctor said,
"you'r diagnosis is most likely correct.
How did you arrive at it?"
The younger doctor informed the other doctor
that like hisself, he too dropped his stethoscope on the floor
and when he bend down to pick it up,
he noticed the preacher under the bed.
A Drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side. He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.' The crowd murmured their approval.The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile really, really hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.' A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up.......... 'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!
Lol that was a riot Gman... i didn't expect that punchline at all.... thank you for sharing.
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?' Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.' So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night,! he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his. parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. ' The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.' The little boy replies, 'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'
Marriage Counseling:
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in all the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'this is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?'
'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'
